What's Next?I started to try to work on a manipulation yesterday of how I was feeling. Although completely dissatisfied with it's outcome, I took it back down and will try to upload a newer version.
I'm desperately trying to get back into my routine of a normal life, that almost seems impossible. I've even tried to do new things to recreate a new routine for myself. I find it difficult for the most part as my mother was such a huge influence in my life and she was always there to help guide me in the right direction when I needed her advice. When someone makes such an impact in your life and then is gone, how do you return to a life without them there?
I know many have showed and expressed concern for me, but honestly I'm as well as I can be for everything I'm dealing with. It wasn't just the loss of my mother I had to deal with. My cousin passed a mere few days later, her best friend 2 weeks later, and only a couple of weeks ago a woman I attend Sunday school with passed on. What seemed to be an over whelming amount of loss, I just simply couldn't see any joy or hope at the time.
I'm dealing with many emotions all at once and just trying to sort and sift through it all. It's like trying to count grains of sand. I miss my mums input on my artwork, I miss being excited and rushing to her house to show her something I've created, she was my biggest fan and supporter. I still find myself wanting to rush to her with anything that happens in my life, then realizing all over again she is not there.
Call me crazy but I find myself talking to her as if she is still with me. Maybe I'm just not ready to move on yet. I know where she is and I know without a doubt she is beyond happy (a mere word that can't even express her joy right now), and her pain is gone. It's hard to be happy knowing she is in her new glorified body, when I'm left behind to with so many mixed emotions.
For those who have expressed a deep concern, I'm merely depressed and not afraid to admit it. It's just difficult when no one around you wants to see/hear you cry. They repeatedly tell you it's ok and you need to try to move on. I will be ok, I will move on, but in my own time and when it comes naturally. I'm not going to force myself to be happy, it simply doesn't work that way when you suffer such a deep loss. My mum and I were all each other had for many years, I have discovered a new found deeper respect for her and all she had done for not only myself but others in her lifetime.
I'm not sure what is next for me in life, but I do know that one day I will be ok. I will be trying to update my gallery, but still give me time. It's stil not easy, especially when I know when I'm finished she won't be there to say "Gert, it's beautiful, you are such a talented woman".
I miss you still momma, kiss His cheek for me.
Emotional
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Goddess of Film
^deviantartfilm
ALWAYS,
A. PRINCE
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